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[Jun. 11th, 2006|02:47 pm] |
So I wake up this morning thinking about how I need to cut the grass--and its lots of grass, my numbnut landlord showed up and wanted to talk...well not talk really but bitch at me for not cutting the grass, and to tell me that he is going to be having walk threws of the house before we are gone...hmm i think not my friend, i still pay a butt load of rent here, its ours till we leave.
I am feeling rather frustrated lately, I am so scattered and stressed its hard for me to keep things straight in my head. I started writing down the things I have to do to move out of Michigan, but somehow i get sad about it...i should be so excited about the move to Arizona, it is going to be so good for me.
This gender issue that has finally come to the surface is scary. I know that i feel more myself as a guy, but right now i want to push it away. Like if i get to involved that i will lose myself. I want a way to increase my naterual testosterone, i want to chase tera around the house, drunk with desire. I have a good sex drive but...its so confusing i just dont feel like i have the right connections to my body from my mind. I "think" to much and it gets in the way of out intimate time. I feel self consious, and "not man enough to be her man"--- my fears not reality
I have really wanted to shave my face, but because there are only a sprinkle of people that know about my possible transistion i feel weird around everyone that doesnt know. Like i have a horrible secret in my pocket and someone will find out and make fun of me for it, or worse beat me up for it. The move to arizona will help with some of that i hope.
sheesh to much for now |
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[May. 31st, 2006|11:35 pm] |
This is a new experience for me, to write my inner feelings onto a machine. But with so much going on in my life i think it might be very thereputic. I think i will just do a run down of whats gone on in the last 8 months. Tera went to Chicago to take her HUGE board cert exam. I didnt want to distract her so I didnt go with her. She met a woman there and they hung out the whole time she was there. I knew something was off so i tried to call her, she was with this girl at her house. SHe told me they had just kissed, but i felt so betrayed and hurt. I wasnt being an angel either.. I had been having conversations with a girl i met on the net. They were pretty innocent but it wasnt right. So i took off to give us both some time to figure it out. Within a month of returning and Tera and I reuniting, James and Charity asked for our help. We have been so close to them for so many years...being a God parent to Callum. I had to say we could help. SO the 3 of them moved in with us on Jan. 10th. We were not ready for that, tera and I as a couple. It has done nothing but put and intense weight on my house... Then in the begging of March Tera came home from a shift and told me that we needed to find a place for her to practice. I knew this was happening I just did not anticipate it to be so fast..I was thinking November-December, and it turns out to be in March. We put out feelers to see if there was anywhere that seemed right...and we found Arizona. Within 3 weeks from the mornign Tera wanted to quit at her hospital, we had found a perfect match and she was offered a contract in Bullhead City, AZ... It is so beautiful, and I felt very at home around the mountains and the Colorado River... So the last couple of months I have been trying to get paperwork set up and recertifacation classes for her to go to. Doesnt sound like much but there is alot to being a doctor...and you wouldnt believe me if i told you how much paperwork goes into just getting licenced in another state..
I seem to be dodging the true chaos that is inside me. Talking about all the trivial bullshit that goes on around me, the reality that i want to focus on to distract me from whats really going on.
phew...so much to get out..
more to come |
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